Your Tourist Map To The Stars And The Smog

by Joseph D. Reich


The United States Of America:
the mood they put you in #1

Sluts in bathing suits
walking to the end
of the dead-end
sluts walking
to the end
of the dead-end
everywhere
in america
a shame there
are not more
with bigger
hearts
and
smaller
egos
would have
loved to have
met one of those
sluts in bathing suits
with a bigger heart
and smaller ego

The United States Of America:
the mood they put you in #2

Saw the river
overflowing
on the weather
channel or
underflowing
this morning
i’m not sure
but all i truly
sincerely
remember
was sitting
all day long
all by my
lonesome
alienated
awakened
contemplating
in the truckee
just outside reno
depressed down
in the dumps
from a
disgusting
and repulsive
loud obnoxious
culture of idiot
tourist clones
could never ever
begin to relate to
even if i wanted

which to a certain
extent i guess
is buddhism…

The United States Of America:
the mood they put you in #3

The suburbs is them
building the coliseum
all around you oblivious
treating you like you’re
invisible and experience
the exact same feeling
and phenomena when
you get there their
bullshit blueprint
for success taking
measurements for
all the right and
wrong malicious
reasons not giving
a shit that you
even exist and are
alive and kicking.
soon they will be
filling the stadium
with that breed
and specimen
of up and coming
go-getting assholes

The United States Of America:
the mood they put you in #4

Could know you’re going
through your hell and
white devil automatons
would still be going back
and forth obsessively
mowing their lawns
with those cookie
cutter mediocre
blasé pastel
pink cantaloupe
baseball hats
on trying to
get it to look
like some
sorta perfect
cemetery
or stadium

The United States Of America:
the mood they put you in #5

I live in the factory
right over the right
field bleachers right
before the rain
is about to come
down in cleveland
the old lady across
the road loves to get
familiar watering roses

lights go on in suburbia…

The United States Of America:
the mood they put you in #6

I keep on applying
for the same position
at this very historic
quaint inn in vermont
which they claim
has all this
ambiance
and is right
on main street
looking over some
river to new hampshire..
i have a very good and
experienced hospitality
business resume where
on craigslist when they
tell you to contact them
to get back in touch with
sue liberty who is never
available and keep on
asking me if they can
put me on hold
of which i of
course respond very
politely–“no problem”
and bark back “good!”
and leave me on hold
forever repeating over
and over about their
history and everything
they have to offer which
ironically ends up leaving
you feeling all empty
and angry and hollow

The United States Of America:
the mood they put you in #7

Is the opposite of tourette’s
                                                tuna fish & matzoh?

can a brother catch a break?
don’t hate me ‘cuz i’m beautiful!

                                here come all those kids
outta the mountain…

The United States Of America:
the mood they put you in #8

Met her working over
that sign in summer
which just read–“bait,
crawfish, night crawlers”

The United States Of America:
the mood they put you in #9

I have a practical solution
for the immigration problem
for every supposed illegal
immigrant we decide
to deport and send back
to their home country
can we do some sort
of one-on-one exchange
with those white trash
waving their little american
flags they got from walmart
and just as bad in speaking
the language and drop them
right off in the dumpsters
for recyclables as know
that’s another big issue
and might just kill two
birds with one stone

The United States Of America:
the mood they put you in #10

What was up with that episode
where they gave elmer fudd
smelling salts or was dazed
or concussed and just kept
on repeating over and over
“my name is elmer fudd
i own a mansion and
a yacht my name is
elmer fudd i own
a mansion and
a yacht” and
looking back
seems like
a pretty damn
good way to go
you know my name
is elmer fudd i own a
mansion and a yacht

convicts these days are
awarded modeling contracts…

The United States Of America:
the mood they put you in #11

You know my whole life
feels like playing that
good ol’ simple atari
game from back
in the day of pong
minding my own
hard working
persevering
surviving
getting on
but you find
when it really
comes down
to it they’re
all just
a bunch
of real little
sleazy
mother
fucker
pacmen
constantly
on your back
trying to gobble you up

The United States Of America:
the mood they put you in #12

I want to get buried in one of those
nice little neat clean silver boxes
of philadelphia cream cheese
perhaps already left opened
on the kitchen table and
then when done just
dump me off with
the crumbs from
the ruggalah
and bagels
and vanish
into thin air
like compost
into the late
Sunday mornng
juvenile delinquent
backyard where they
keep the hidden stream
and pachysandra and forest
hidden in the lightning and thunder

The United States Of America:
the mood they put you in #13

I love the cold hard fact
that eleanor roosevelt
couldn’t stand winston
churchill looking like
some ole time w.c. fields
and whenever he would
hang out with frank
at the white house
engage in one
of those long
boisterous
banters
then take
big baths
in his top
hat with his
after dinner
brandy and
cigar trying
desperately
for good reason
to get us into the war

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