Tag Archives: Calvero

if i ever become an alcoholic i can pinpoint the day it started

by Calvero


I had just left
the liquor store
with a bag
full of booze.

I was walking
back to my car
and every footstep
I took
sounded like me
openly admitting
that I hated the world.

I looked up
at the sky.

It was blue
and full of white clouds
and looked pretty
in the sense
that it looked very much
like the kinda sky
that was capable
of raining a single sombrero
from it.

That would be
cool…
I thought.

I pictured
a single sombrero
raining down from the sky
and landing perfectly
on my head
and then I smiled.
I wanted that
to happen.

I wanted a single sombrero
to rain down from the sky
and land on my head
and have no explanation
as to why it fell
and just be so amazed
that it did fall
and not only
that it did fall
but by some Christmas miracle
that it also landed
right on my head
too.

Like it just lands
on my head
and I’m all like,
“Whoa!
What the fuck?!
What the…
Is this a sombrero?
Did a… did a sombrero just seriously
fall outta the sky
and land on my head?
Did you see that?
Holy shit,
did you see that?
Yeah, I know…
I can’t fuckin’ believe it
either.
Haha, what the fuck?
Like, what are the odds
on that happening?
Holy shit… I’m keeping this!
I’m never taking
this fucker off
either!
Hahaha! Awesome!
Free hat!”
Then I coulda been
amazed
and marveled
over the world
and my footsteps
wouldn’t have sounded like
me
openly admitting
that I hated the world
but rather they woulda sounded like
something cool
like laser sounds
or like karate chops
or like the ring noise
that Sonic the Hedgehog makes
every time he collects
a ring.

Those woulda been
kick ass things
to have my footsteps
sound like
and then the world
finally coulda been amazing
instead of me
constantly having to try
and make it feel
amazing.

I wanted a single sombrero
to rain down from the sky
and land on my head
so when I got to my car
I didn’t get in
right away.

I just kinda lingered
outside of it
awkwardly
holding my huge bag
of booze
and giving the sky
that looked capable
of raining a single sombrero
down from it
a chance to do so.

I stood there
and tried not to look like
a guy who was standing around
and waiting for a sombrero
to rain down from the sky
and land on his head
but I didn’t really know
how that type of guy
would stand
so I just kinda stood there
and bobbed my head
the same way a guy at a bar
bobs his head to the music
on the jukebox
trying not to look
pathetic and alone
but instead he just totally
overcompensates
by bobbing his head
to the music
and looking too into
the music
actually revealing
how truly pathetic
and alone
he is.

Yeah…

I realized
I looked like that guy
so then I just
stopped.

I stopped
because I knew
I looked stupid
and because I knew
deep down
the sombrero wasn’t coming
either
and once I realized
it wasn’t coming
I remember becoming
bizarrely aware
of all the tires
there in the parking lot.

It was like
I could somehow see
all of them
all at once.

And I was attracted
to them too.

I was attracted
to the tires
and the idea of them
and their respective cars
running over my head
and exploding the 28 years
that I had accumulated
clean outta my ass
and killing everything
that I had worked
so hard for
and built inside of
those 28 years
too.

I was sexually attracted
to that idea.

I wanted to fuck
that idea
but instead
I just got in my car
and drove home.

Then
as I was walking
into my garage
a beer dispensing helmet
rained down from the sky
and landed perfectly
on my head.

I was kinda amazed
and in awe
until I noticed
the beer dispensing helmet
didn’t even actually have
any beer in it – that it was just
the beer dispensing helmet
itself
and then I was all like,
Awww man…
What the fuck?
What a ripoff…
so I took
the beer dispensing helmet off
and dropped it
on the ground.

I didn’t want it.

It wasn’t
a sombrero.

A non-sombrero
wasn’t enough

so I just went inside,
sat down,
poured myself a drink
and tried to figure out why
nothing
ever
was
and if anything
ever would
be.

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i went and sat in a cemetery today

by Calvero


I went and sat
in a cemetery
today.

It was nice
and peaceful
and the grass was cold
and wet
and felt like my cats’
noses.

It didn’t feel like
my best friends’
cats’ noses
or any of the cats
I work with at the animal hospital’s
wet noses.

           Just my cats’ wet noses
which made it feel
really homey and nice
there
in the cemetery.

I didn’t go to the cemetery
to visit anyone
or anything.

I just went there because
I had this invisible
party hat
on my head
           but instead of actually looking like
           a party hat
the invisible party hat
just looked like
an old, gross toilet brush
on top of my head.

I went there because
I had this old, gross
invisible toilet brush
on top of my head
when I was supposed to have
a regular looking,
invisible party hat
on top of my head.

I went there because
everyone else in the world
had regular looking,
invisible party hats
on top of their heads
and I was tired
of looking at them
and their stupid,
regular looking,
invisible party hats
and I just couldn’t get
far enough away
from them.

I was just so
sick to death
of people.

I just soooo
couldn’t take the sight of them
and their regular looking,
invisible party hats
anymore
so I thought,
           What’s the opposite
of people?
and then I answered
myself with,
           Dead people?
so I just drove
to the cemetery
and got out
and sat down
near some tombstone
and chilled there
on my cats’ wet noses.

I sat there and felt
all of the bones
under the ground
beneath me.

I wanted to dig them
all up
and build a cabin
made outta the bones
and then live inside that cabin
forever and ever
and finally be safe
from the world full of people
with their stupid,
regular looking,
invisible party hats
on top of their heads.

That seemed like
a lotta work though
so then I just felt like
simply murdering
every single person
on the planet
and doing so
with the same kinda
plastic fork
that they give you
whenever you order a salad
at McDonald’s.

Every single person…

           One by one…

                      All of them
                      painstakingly and slowly
                      stabbed to death
                      with a plastic fork…

It just felt
right.

It just felt
good.

It just felt like
the only solution
even though it felt like
even more work than
making a cabin
made outta
dead people’s bones.

Then
wanting to murder everyone
in the whole, entire world
made me begin to wonder
how different I was
from the kinda person
who goes into a school
and shoots up a bunch
of innocent kids
but then I realized
I’m totally different
from that kinda person
because a school full
of innocent kids
wouldn’t have been
nearly enough.

It had to be everyone
in the entire world
because that was how
unhuman
I felt.

I wanted people
to go extinct
just so I could be alone
and
           therefore
just so I could become
what’s normal

and maybe

           just for once

not finally feel
so scared and different
from everyone else
because everyone else
would be extinct
and there would be no one else
to feel different from
but only
           to most likely
                      and eventually realize
                      anyways
that I still felt
scared and different
           regardless

                                  and
                                          what’s worse

that I killed
the whole, entire world
just to find out
that I’m so broken
that I still feel scared
and different
even though people
were now extinct
like dinosaurs.

I sat there in the cemetery
and felt like I wouldn’t be safe
from the world
and that the world
wouldn’t be safe from me
until I was living
in a cabin
made outta dead people’s
bones
because I felt that
fuckin’ broken.

Then I realized
the main reason
I wanted a pretty girl
in my life
that I could date
wasn’t because
I felt lonely
but was just because
I wanted one of them
to validate the fact
with their prettiness
that I wasn’t broken
and that I was human
because that’s what
humans do.

Humans date
other humans,
           right?

So if a human
were to date me
that would mean
that I was human too,
           right?

But girls dating me
never lasted
           anyways
and after it never lasted
it always hurt so much
because it just seemed
to prove the fact
that I wasn’t human
after all
and that maybe my heart
being some alien
and that my body
being some robot
that the heart-alien controlled
was a very, very
plausible scenario.

I felt like that
was very plausible.

I sat there in the cemetery
and stared at the name
Anna Wilkins
on the tombstone
in front of me
and felt like
she never woulda been able
to love me
either
           and that my heart
being some alien
           and that my body
being some robot
that the heart-alien controlled
was a very, very
plausible scenario.

I felt it was all
very plausible
because of certain situations
I had experienced
in my life
that I couldn’t understand
Situations
like whenever I saw people
smile at babies.
Whenever I saw people
smile at babies
I was always just all like,

           What the fuck?

I don’t get it.

I don’t get
what these people
are so happy about.
 
What’s wrong with 
them?

           Ugh…
           Seriously… 

           Like
what the fuck
is their problem?

And I never understood
other situations
           either
like waving to people
or striking up conversations
with strangers

or laughter.

Laughter
always seemed like
a good idea
and it always seemed like
it would be fun
like that that game
at the carnival
where you squirt water
into a clown’s mouth
with a water pistol
           but still
           even though
           it seemed like a lotta fun
I was always
so weary
and skeptical
to try it
even though I wasn’t too sure
           why
I was so weary
and skeptical
to try it.

I just was.

I was skeptical
and weary
so I just sat there
in the cemetery
and contemplated
ripping my eyes out
just so
           for once
I could finally see things
differently
even though I’d be
seeing nothing
at all.

           But still

seeing nothing at all
seemed better
than how I was seeing things
at the moment
because all I saw
at that moment
was the grim, dwindling hope
that somehow
these days were the days
I was gonna miss
when I was an old fart
who had nothing left
to fight for
and nothing left to do
except wait for Death
and hope that my party hat
didn’t look like a dirty
toilet brush
when Death showed up
because having a regular looking,
invisible party hat
on your head
when Death arrived
was how you
won,

having a regular looking,
invisible party hat
on your head
when Death arrived
was how you said,
           “Fuck you, Death.
I won, asshole.
           Go ahead,
take me away,
bitch.
           I’m ready.”

That was all
I wanted.

That was all
anyone
ever wanted.

But it just seemed
so impossible.

It just seemed
so unreachable.

But maybe
it was supposed to.

And maybe
sitting in a cemetery
all alone
wasn’t a totally
balls-crazy
kinda thing to do.

Maybe geniuses
weren’t people
who found ways
to make their invisible,
toilet brush party hats
look like
regular-looking,
invisible party hats.
Maybe geniuses
were just people
who enjoyed life
and accepted it
for what little
it had to offer
           therefore
keeping the regular looking,
invisible party hats
on top of
their heads
           or
           in the other case
learning to love
the invisible toilet brushes
on top of
their heads
and therefore
eventually turning them into
“regular looking,
invisible party hats”
by the time
Death arrived.

Maybe genius
was just a form
of acceptance.

Maybe
all you had to do
to make it
to the final level
of the video game
that was life
was to continually lie
to yourself.

I wasn’t sure.

I wasn’t sure
           at all

so I just sat there
in the cemetery
on my cats’
cold wet noses
and listened to the rain
fall
even though rain
wasn’t actually falling
and wondered
if that was the case
or not

and if it was

that was okay.
I never really
wanted to be a genius
anyway…